Thursday, September 20, 2012

My PC Apology

Those of you who are younger than dirt may not remember the days before political correctness. Back then, hurt feelings were not given high priority. In fact, the “sticks and stones” rhyme was pretty much the American kid motto. And if we weren’t saying it to the neighborhood bully as we stuck out our tongues, well, our parents were preachin’ it like the Gospel.

Meanwhile, horrifyingly insensitive and incorrect jingles filled the airwaves. Like this fabulous favorite –
Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs
The dogs kids love to bite!

Okay, I’ll admit it – when I was seven years old, I thought that jingle ROCKED! I was a skinny sissy kid who climbed on rocks, after all.
But these days, I kinda, sorta, feel bad about it. I mean, I actually sang a song with the “F” word in it. NO! Not THAT “F” word! The other one, you know – F-A-T.

And now that I’m a writer, I feel obligated to make up for it. So, I thought I could tweak the lyrics a little as a way to make amends. Something, I don’t know, more fitting for the times we live in, I suppose.

Well, here goes –

Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs
What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Kids suffering from the ravages of childhood obesity,
kids suffering from the ravages of anorexia nervosa
(both needing our compassion and kind consideration),
kids who climb on rocks – carefully with parental supervision.
Kids with anger management issues,

kids with assertiveness issues,
even kids whose parents have opted out of the Varicella vaccine but love their children anyway…
love hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs
The dogs kids love to bite – unless PETA is demonstrating nearby!

Disclaimer: The American Dietetic Association would like to inform you that a hot dog is 81% fat, and not a recommended part of a child’s daily caloric intake. Don’t even THINK about serving it with a Big Gulp.

Wow. I feel so much better now.

Don’t you?

Sure, it’s probably the worst writing I’ve ever done, and it’s tough to sing,

but hey –

I will sleep well tonight!

PROMPT: Take a walk on the PC side today, just for a bit of satirical fun.
Author James Finn Garner has made an entire career out of inclusive, respectful, and bias-free sensitivity with his Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, Once Upon a More Enlightened Time, Politically Correct Holiday Stories, and Legally Correct Fairy Tales.

I’m sure he sleeps like a baby.