Update

It’s been exactly nine months since my last post, and I thought it was high time for an update.

Because nine months is a fabulous wedge of time, isn't it? After all, it’s the exact portion of a year that can morph a good idea into something squalling on its own.

So, it may come as no surprise to you that I've used the time to create a brand spanking new revision of a novel I've been toying with for years. And unlike human offspring who tend to hang around for a couple of decades, that baby was itching to leave the nest before the ink was dry. And so, I sent it out the first chance I got, right?

Nope.

First, I had it read by a couple of people with blood-red pens and hearts the size of raisins. Trust me, you need these folks. At this stage of the game they are far more helpful to you and your manuscript than the ones with hearts the size of Texas who dot their i’s with daisies.

After this set of suggestions was considered, and I had gone through the draft yet another time, I was then on the hunt for good listeners.

You can usually spot good listeners by their large ears and thoughtful expressions. However, this method is not fool-proof. For example, cats and jackasses are NOT good listeners. Behind that cat’s thoughtful expression is just a headful of notions about canned food and plots that may or may not involve your murder should it ever figure out how to work the can's pull-tab on its own. And jackasses…

Well, they’re jackasses.

Anyway, after finding a great batch of listeners who were willing to meet for a boatload of sessions, I read that whole dang novel OUT LOUD. I can’t really overemphasize the importance of this step. You will not believe how many little errors you’ll catch if you use it. It seems that the brain reading silently loves to patch things up as it hums along, but give it a voice and wow! You’ll find yourself wondering how you could have possibly missed that obvious mistake in your first 147 read-throughs.  

Finally, when that was all said (OUT LOUD) and done, the novel was ready to send off into the great big world where it will eventually receive its YES or NO.

Pop quiz time!

What do you do when you've completed and submitted your manuscript?

A. Check email, snail mail, and voice mail 317 times a day and look like this—

B. Get on with your next novel and look like this—

Well, I don’t know about you, but I chose option B. 

And so, I’m already knee-deep into chapter two of novel two — that’s the good news.

The bad news is that blog posts will continue to be on a pretty random cycle from here on out.

And now for an update on the home front:

Midway through the novel revision, my dear, sweet, elderly office mate abandoned the project (and life as we know it). Those were tough days indeed, and alas, he is still missed.

R.I.P

However, on a lighter note, I have since been blessed with two new colleagues. And while they do have actual names, and perhaps titles, I've dubbed them Thing 1 and Thing 2. I’m guessing you can see why…

 Obviously, they are a work in progress.

Aren't we all?

PROMPT: I’m placing bets that you have a mossy old manuscript stashed somewhere. Well, today is the day to dig it out and dust it off!

Oh, and don’t forget that it’s International Moment of Laughter Day (go ahead and Google if you must). This is sure to give you a jump-start on the celebration.

I think that's how we should all handle rejection letters, don’t you?

Don’t Show, Don’t Tell

Yes, you read that right — DON’T Show, DON’T Tell. 

This is not to be confused with the Show Don’t Tell rule we've talked about before, or the military’s former Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.

This has to do with those incredible stories that live inside of you. 

Yeah, you know the ones...

If you place your hand on your chest you might feel their thump-wump, thump-wump as they beat against your rib cage.

Sure, physicians will tell you that you’re actually feeling the beat of your heart, but what do they know? Go ask a neurosurgeon if he or she has ever found the thought generator while poking around in a brain…

Actually, don’t do that. It’s just mean.

Anyway, those captive and captivating stories will thump, knock, beg, plead, and pound until you let them out.

But here’s the rub —

If you want to be a writer, you must be sure to let them out the “write” way. Otherwise they’ll fly from that cage faster than you can say doughnut jar.

You see, if you tell that great plot idea to a best friend, sibling, or spouse, it is as good as gone. And then when you finally set a date with your laptop, you might find that you’re left with nothing but a pile of feathers.

I made this mistake plenty of times when I was younger. Now that I’m older, wiser, and think a lot more about bone density and bifocals, I won’t tell a thing.

Trust me, it works.

So the next time those well-meaning friends ask you what you’re working on, practice the art of being vague —

even if they offer you chocolate...

a pony…

or a doughnut jar.

Be fuzzy with friends and family, but very clear with your tales…

Tell them that there is only one way out —

And that is on the page.

PROMPT: DON’T show, DON’T tell until it’s DONE. Put it on the page today.

Write Fast – Edit…

Ahem…slowly, that is.

Remember all of that super-fast writing we did last week?

Well, it’s time to channel your inner tortoise and rework those wild words.

So, brew a cup of tea and put on some slippers.

Then edit like you've got all day…

·         Read your work out loud
·         Read it backwards
·         Sing it
·         Slice it up and rearrange it
·         Eat chocolate
·         Read it upside down
·         Put it in teeny tiny font and focus
·         Eat chocolate
·         Feeling brave? Give it to another pair of eyes.
·         Eat more chocolate

And here are few bonus tips from the experts (in their own “colorful” words):

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”

~Stephen King

“I do not over-intellectualize the production process. I try to keep it simple: Tell the damned story.”

~Tom Clancy

“I've found the best way to revise your own work is to pretend that somebody else wrote it and then to rip the living sh*t out of it.”

~Don Roff

And remember —

“Easy reading is damn hard writing.”

~Nathaniel Hawthorne

PROMPT: You know what to do. Well, besides eat chocolate and swear.

The Two-step

Here is a fantabulous two-step method for writing a great novel —

Step 1: Pick an awesome protagonist.

Step 2: Get him or her into and out of a whole heap of trouble.

Step 3: There is no step 3 — it’s a two-step process. The end.

Anyway, the real life and times of Thomas Edison works as a great example of this formula.

First off, Tom is born a really sickly kid.

Bad news, huh?

Not really. His mom, who has already been through the hellish untimely deaths of three of her children, decides to homeschool the little guy. She builds him a science lab in their basement.

All of those infections in the age before antibiotics makes little Tom very hard of hearing.

Terrible, huh?

Not really, according to the man himself. He often credited his deafness for his ability to think and work for long hours without distraction.

As a teen, Tom works for the railroad. He builds a lab in an old boxcar, which works out just fine until he spills some chemicals and torches the place. He is fired.

Yikes!

No, YAY! Because he is fired from his old job, Tom is dumped off at the next train station. There he saves the station master’s 2-year-old son from being squashed by a freight train. The station master is so grateful, that he teaches Tom how to work a telegraph so that he’ll always be gainfully employed.

Tom works as a telegraph operator, but being scientifically minded he just can’t help himself — he decides to perfect the system. Tom develops the quadruplex telegraph and offers it to Western Union. He’s thinking that he would love to get $2000 for it, but when they ask him how much he wants, he can’t seem to form the words.

Uh oh.

Okay, I know you’re on to this little game by now, so it won’t surprise you to learn that Western Union offered him $40,000 on the spot... And those are 1869 dollars.

After Tom puts his eyeballs back into their sockets, he uses the cash to build his dream lab. Now I could say that the rest is history, but that would be horribly cliché, and you’re thinking it anyway, so I’ll just stop.

PROMPT: Try the two-step on your novel today. No dance moves required. And always, always, always remember this while you’re putting those words to the page…

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

~Thomas A. Edison

Get Messy!

This year, my graduation post goes out especially to my daughter.

Congratulations, Grace! 

Here are a few things to remember as you head out into this great big beautiful and marvelously messy world...

Endings can be orderly.

Road races have those clearly marked finish lines, and runners cross them fist-pumping.

Students march up row by row alphabetically to receive their diplomas.

Even death can be tidy — some folks simply slip out quietly in their sleep.

Beginnings are another matter.

Beginnings are never nice and neat.

Every runner’s first steps were nothing but a series of face-plants and pratfalls.

All of this week’s graduates started in kindergarten chaos.

Births — my goodness!

They are MESSY and LOUD!

Nobody here on the planet just tiptoed in without SOMEBODY noticing.

So, maybe you've just ended…

some schooling

or an old job.

And now you’re taking your first steps…

in a new location

or a new career.

Maybe you’re simply starting a project

or a novel.

Whatever beginning you are just beginning…

here’s a friendly reminder just for you —

Every GREAT start is SLOPPY,

MESSY,

And LOUD!

It can even be CONFUSING and CHAOTIC

or full of FACE-PLANTS and PRATFALLS.

And isn't that wonderful to know?

So haul out the finger paints, mud, and whole wheat flour.

Make wild clumsy leaps and fall without grace (even if your name happens to be Grace).

Really egg it on —

The messier the better!

And it will be the start of something GREAT —

Guaranteed!

PROMPT: Make the messiest, most awful, first draft imaginable. I mean seriously. Make it so bad that your EYES would blush from shame if they ever saw it published.

Now THAT’S a great beginning!

And you can bet your bottom dollar that ALL GREAT books began exactly this way.

Feel the Need for Speed

Ernest Hemingway wrote The Sun Also Rises in six weeks.

William Faulkner also needed just six weeks to write As I Lay Dying.

Jack Kerouac wrote On the Road in only three weeks.

Then again, he was on drugs.

However, Ray Bradbury wrote Fahrenheit 451 in nine measly days…

and he was most definitely NOT on drugs.

He was just a highly motivated new dad who was seriously strapped for cash. So he went to the local library with a sack full of dimes and rented a typewriter for 20 cents an hour. His “dime novel” cost him $9.80.

I’m thinking it was worth it.

Anyway, the whole point here is to try something new this week.

When you sit down to work on your book, set your timer, then —

Write FAST!

Do not stop.

Do not think.

Do not even breathe.

Well, okay, I guess you can breathe.

Speed writing is the BEST way to override the naggy editor that lives inside your head.

You know, the one that looks a lot like Gollum from The Hobbit, but has much better grammar.

Yeah, I've got one too.

But I think we should put off that editor until next week.

Sure, Precious is going to get all cranky about it…

Tough beans.

And, seriously — take me up on this one.

It may be the ONLY time you ever see me suggest procrastination.

PROMPT: Write FAST right NOW! Try this method on your current project all week long. And hey, you might want to strap on that seat belt. You’re going places… and it just might be a wild ride!

Story Quarry

Let’s say you have a great character —

The story kind, not the moral excellence kind (although I’m sure you’re great in that department as well).

Anyway, we all know that a great character needs a great story.

And if you’re kind of, sort of stuck on the story part, then here’s something to try —

Write down a list of everything your character LOVES.

And I’m not talking about things he or she is namby-pamby about. We need some strong opinions here. That’s precisely why it’s LOVES and not loves.

Next, make a list of everything your character is good at.

What’s his or her skill set?

Finally, add a dash of his or her comfort zone.

Got all that?

Now it’s time to delve into the wicked side of your character (yes, now I’m talking about the moral excellence kind).

Take the opposite of every single item in the above list and…

Gift it, grant it, throw it, toss it, heave it, lob it, sprinkle it, shove it, fling it (you get the idea)…

at your great character.

Then stand back with pen in hand as you watch ‘em squirm, wiggle, flounder, wrangle, battle, struggle, and…

WIN!

Shazam —

Instant story.

PROMPT: Mwahaha!

Crunch Time

The past two weeks have been a series of wondrous adventures.

I've explored The Great Barrier Reef…

Time traveled to 1849…

Investigated yabby behavior…

Yet still found time to squeeze in an Everest summit attempt.

Of course, all of this excitement took place on the page, but dang—

It was fun...

and scary!

For those of you who may be wondering what it's really like to write for an education company, here's how the excitement typically begins:

Fabulous Editor Person: Hi, Barb! We need two poems about the Civil War, a talking dog cautionary tale, and a nonfiction bit about the life and times of a slug.

Me: Sounds great! When do you need them?

Super Fabulous Editor Person: Yesterday.

Me: What time yesterday?

Super Fantastically Fabulous Editor Person: 4 o’clock.

Me: No problem.

Okay, okay, that’s an exaggeration — the deadline part, not the “Super Fantastically Fabulous” part (everyone I've ever worked for has been exactly that). However, the time frames can be a bit hair-raising.

Of course, the upside about hairy scary due dates is that the associated panic, relief, and adrenaline rushes mean I never have to waste cash on sky diving or bungee jumping.

Anyway, I still have ten more projects to complete with several lifelines between now and June 6th.

That’s right, I said LIFElines, not deadlines — and not simply because that other term has the messy and morose “swimming with the fishes” part, but because lifeline is actually more accurate.

How so?

Well, those daunting dates leave NO ROOM FOR DOUBT, and as such, they always breathe life into the weak-pulsed, gasping for oxygen, harebrained ideas I come up with.

Face it, if you have an endless amount of time to finalize a piece of writing, you hem and haw, you twiddle your thumbs and wonder if you should have gone to law school, you think and rethink that this is absolutely, positively the dumbest idea ever, and then finally you go clean the tub.

With a “lifeline” all that crazy-making (and sadly, housecleaning) goes away.

So, if I'm working on a story that’s due tomorrow, and all I can come up with is something about a boy and his duck — well dadgummit, it’s going to be the best dang “boy and his duck” story that I can possibly muster.

And guess what?

It usually turns out much better than I ever expected.

It will for you, too.

And yes, I have actually sold a “boy and his duck” story. 

PROMPT: Ditch the dead and embrace the lifeline. Set a due date for your next project and make it real. Give a friend a check filled out to your LEAST favorite cause and have them send it in if you’re not done on time. Or 

worse — have someone hide the chocolate (gasp!) until you’re through.

You can do this! How do I know? Because you are Super Fantastically Fabulous!

Set a date. Get it done. Then invite me to the party.

Simply Wonderful

Are you waiting for computer technology to help you finish that novel of yours?

For instance, do you pine for speech recognition software?

Or —

Are you holding out for some fabulous thought recognition software?

Well, it’s time to rethink those thoughts of yours.

Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote each of her Little House books using a number 2 pencil and nickel tablets. Forever the frugal pioneer girl, she used both sides of each page and filled in all of the margins.

Novelist Truman Capote used a similar process — although his also involved chain smoking, which I don’t recommend.

Joyce Carol Oates writes in longhand for up to eight hours a day.

Amy Tan does the same for all of her early drafts.

Quentin Tarantino pens his screenplays with actual pens.

And the infamous Jack-of-all-genres Neil Gaiman balances the old and the new beautifully. He writes his screenplays on a computer, but prefers to draft his novels by hand.

So, forget the latest and greatest —

Infuse some new life into your writing by going old-school this week.

And for inspiration —

Check out this clip of Jimmy Fallon, Idina Menzel, and The Roots performing “Let It Go” with some simply fabulous, truly “old-school” musical instruments.

Play on!

PROMPT: Get off the technology train — Let It Go by embracing the power of the pencil for just one week. See what a little old-school can do for you.

Trade Secrets

When I started writing for children, I was quick to join the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI).

Over the years, I've found the members of this not-so-secret society to be wonderfully kind and helpful.

However, it wasn't long after I became a card carrying “Skibwee”, that a strange “fella” called out to me from a darkened door jamb.

“Pssst, hey you!”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You a children’s writah?”

“Um… yeah.”

“You got any, uh, muddahs you want iced?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Muddahs! You don’t know about the muddahs? You must be wet behind the eaahs!”

My ears were dry, but they were listening. “You have my attention,” I said as I fingered the pepper spray in my pocket.

“Well, a lotta good children’s book charactahs got a lotta dead muddahs. You know what I’m tawkin’ about — Bambi, Cinderella, Annie, Dorothy, Snow White… Harry Pottah! And, well, I’m the one who does the job."

I rolled my eyes. “Voldemort killed Harry’s mom.”

“Voldemoht gets all the credit, but it was me… It’s ALWAYS me.”

That’s when I noticed the violin case.

He puffed himself up a little and went on. “Let’s just say, it’s a service I provide. So if you got any muddahs in a book that you want swimmin’ wit da fishes, jes’ lemme know.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.” I turned and moved on. Fast. My head was reeling. Good grief, he was right… So many great stories… So many dead moms.

But why?

That’s when it hit me — if an author wants to achieve maximum sympathy for a character in minimum time, a mom’s got to go. And that’s because we all instinctively know that the saddest, most awful event possible in a young child’s life is the loss of a parent.

I shook the thoughts from my head and picked up speed. Then I heard him again.

“Hey! You got a dawg in your book?”

I stopped.

“Ya know what they say — if you’re a dawg in a middle grade novel, your days are numbahd…

Anyways, talk to my cousin, Sal —

The dawgs are his job."

PROMPT: Take a fresh look at great stories with an ice cold eye. What makes them work? What are the parts that hold your attention? Make you laugh? Make you cry? Why?

And by the way, if you want to write or illustrate for children, join SCBWI (but watch out for you-know-who).